I wrote in a previous
post that one of the ways my military career has influenced my parenting is
the idea of “starting with the end in mind.”[1] For
military professionals, the planning process cannot begin until you have a
clearly defined end state. Or in the
words of a mentor of mine, “If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will
get you there.”
When my oldest was not yet a year old, I was at sea on my
third deployment and communication with my wife was limited primarily to email. Although such a constraint can feel like a
hindrance, it also opens up avenues to deeper discussion than verbal
conversation. Case in point, we began an
email thread in which we shared our thoughts on what kind of adults we wanted
our daughter (and future children) to be when they grew up. In a very real sense, by agreeing on certain
character traits that we sought for them, we were establishing “end states” for
the important work of instilling values in our children. The consensus we reached would serve to inform
many of the choices we make as parents.
It is a conversation that my wife and I continue to have as we hone the
list and adapt our parenting strategies to account for our children’s varied
personalities.
Ultimately we came up with the following list of traits:
-Culturally and spiritually literate and tolerant. The
educator E.D. Hirsch defined cultural literacy as “that shifting body of information that our
culture has found useful…the foundation of our public discourse. It allows us to comprehend our daily
newspapers and news reports, to understand our peers and leaders, and even to
share our jokes.[2] As an example, once my daughter began reading
about Greek and Roman Mythology, she enjoyed the “Percy Jackson” series at a
much more profound level and understood why the NASA craft currently in
Jupiter’s orbit would be named “Juno.” Ultimately, we want our children
familiar with as much culture as possible, including the world’s
religions. Such familiarity we hope will
breed tolerance vice contempt.
-Able to think for
themselves. This is the step beyond
cultural literacy. In the words of
Hirsch, “Cultural literacy is shallow; true education is deep.” [3] We
try to encourage critical thinking. Sometimes
this involves answering a question with another question. (“Why do YOU think it gets cold in the
wintertime?”) When discussing topics
such as politics and religion – which we don’t shy from – we often suppress our
own opinions, or at least make clear distinctions between facts and personal
opinions.
-Confident in their
values, morals, and decisions. This
might be the toughest yet most important quality to instill. Being a “navy brat” and having to adapt to new
situations can lead to a chameleon-like qualities. How do we prevent that? I have no easy answers. We try to model appropriate behavior and give
our children opportunities to make the types of mistakes that build confidence. Even before they get to the wider socialization
at school, we work to ensure our children, in their interactions with siblings
and peers, can strike the balance between cooperation and standing up for
themselves.
-Willing to
respectfully question authority. With
confidence instilled, we want our children to then be comfortable in speaking
truth to power. (That includes to their
parents.) The other night, my daughter and I were watching “The Martian.” There is a great scene where the mission
director must make a choice between doing what he thinks is right or obeying
the direction provided by his boss. I
paused the movie, and we had a lengthy discussion about when it’s acceptable to
question and even disobey authority.
-Intellectually curious. This can’t be forced. Instead, it’s a spark that must be lit
through a variety of activities: reading to them, taking them to museums, asking questions. One method that’s
proven successful for us is linking current popular culture interests with wider intellectual
topics. For example, Harry Potter and
Star Wars can lead to a discussion of archetypes and why so many great stories
include similar characters, like the wise wizards represented by Dumbledore and
Obi Wan Kenobi.
-Equally comfortable
in the outdoors and in the city. Whether
navigating a hiking trail or a subway system, both environments require
specific survival skills. My wife, born
and raised in Philadelphia, handles instilling “street smarts”, while I rely on
my scouting and military experiences to show them how to use a map and compass or build a
campsite.
-Competitive but
sportsmanlike. This transcends
participation in sports, and builds on the previous discussion of
confidence. We want them to shine as
individuals, but never at the expense of the team. To always strive for greater improvement but
within the framework of fair play.
-Hard Workers. There is a tendency, when we talk about
“talent”, to assume that at a basic level, you must be initially good at
something to eventually be great at it.
Instead, we want our children to understand that even if a skill or
activity (math, swimming, playing an instrument) doesn’t come naturally to
them, it doesn’t mean they can’t eventually master it. We foster this by how we give praise (“You worked so hard”
vs. “You did so well”) as well as discussing times in our own lives when we had
to work hard to overcome a lack of ability.
-Willing to embrace
failure and learn from mistakes. This is closely related to the previous
discussion about work ethic. A fear of
failure might prevent them from trying, and becoming, whatever they want. This is tough, because as parents we spend a
lot of time correcting our children and pointing out mistakes. Much of this is necessary for their
development (and basic survival). However,
I know I can do a much better job of giving my kids the space they need to make
mistakes and learn from them. (This
applies to leadership at work as well)
-Successful. This
has nothing to do with income or status.
It means achieving whatever occupation or vocation they want, as long as
it's honest work and it gives them fulfillment.
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